How to help a friend deal with a miscarriage?
One of my best friends found out 3 weeks ago she was pregnant after years of trying. (She has an 8 year old daughter). Everyone is so happy for her, however yesterday she went for a transvaginal ultrasound to determine fetal age because she was irregular and didn’t know how far she was well, they did not find a viable heartbeat. They scheduled her for next week Tuesday to try again because maybe she’s not very far along. The hard part is, I have a newborn and so does her cousin and a close friend. I’ve heard people have issues seeing babies, etc. I want to be there for her, but what can I do or say? I’ve never had to deal with this kind of situation before. I’m sure it’s not the last time either, so any advice to help me be a good supportive friend would be greatly appreciated.
Tagged with: babies • cousin • heartbeat • last time • one of my best friends • supportive friend • transvaginal ultrasound
Filed under: QA
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I’ve had 4 healthy children and lost 2 by miscarriage, once was my 1st pregnancy and once was my 6th. No matter what, if you miscarry it’s hard to deal with. You feel a sense of profound loss, wonder if it was your fault (even if every healthcare professional tells you there was nothing you did wrong) and you just miss that baby – mostly because even for a little while you had all the hopes and dreams for them that will never happen now. It’s tough – then on top of it, hormones are crashing and physically don’t feel right. She will get through it because she has such a good friend like you!
The worst thing to say, I think, is "don’t worry, you can always have another" = because you don’t want another – you wanted THIS BABY. Sometimes saying nothing, but being there for her is the kindest thing you can do. I don’t know her, so I can’t tell you – but I did have some really stupid people try to make me feel better at the time and I wanted to wring their necks for the comments they made. I had one woman from church say, "Well, it was God’s will" – okay, that is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. I let that one in one ear and out the other. Protecting her from others that might say inappropriate things would be a kindness that she would be forever grateful for. Telling her to focus on the daughter she already has would be bad too – I was told that also. People can be really insensitive when they don’t know what the right thing to say is. If she needs to hear anything:
Remind her the baby is in Heaven, God has a plan even if we can’t understand it now. Speak the truth and tell her you understand this is the absolute worst thing and you’re so sorry – that will mean everything to her. It FEELS like the WORST to her. Losing a husband or a child you already know is the only thing that would compare.
I have come to a place that I have 4 to raise and I’m so thankful for them and I have 2 waiting for me and I will see them someday. It gets much easier with time, like everything else. It’s a loss if she miscarries, but she will be okay. Take her for a special girls day out and just do something FUN to take her mind off of the situation, when she feels healed up. Best wishes, Hope I could help. I’m so sorry too!
just let her know you are there to talk to about the situation. if she wants someone to help her through it she will ask. and this may be weird but maybe having her around the newborns will help her. just give her a chance to hold a baby and want to keep trying and never give up. this myst be a very hard time for her and if i were you i would just give her a little time.
She will feel sad seeing babies. but she won’t be sad that you have a baby. She will still want to be around your baby. and will still feel happy that you have a child so don’t avoid her.
She will need lots of hugs. don’t say these things happen for a reason, or something was wrong with the chromosomes or Well you have one child or anything like that. IT does not make you feel better. Hugs definitely do, and just listen to her when she needs to talk about it. That is all you can do to make her feel you are there for her.
I have had 2 miscarriages close together recently so I know how she feels. I also have a child.
I am better now that I have taken a couple months off of TTC.
I wish you and your friend the best
Wen having trouble ttc it is hard to see other babies. But if she is a real friend then she will be happy for you that you have a healthy little one. When I went through my M/C there was nothing that anyone could say or do to make me feel better. I found it best when people simply said if you need to talk or need anything at all I will be here and then just let the subject rest. Only time will heal the kind of pain losing a pregnancy causes. Just let her know that you are there for her but don’t bring it up a lot. Hope that helps.
There may be hope yet, she may not be far enough along to have detected the heartbeat. I would pray for her that they will find it the next u/s. From my experience there is nothing right to say or do other than be there for her if she does miscarry. Ask her if it is hard to be around your child and respect her answer, it may be a problem or she may want to be around your newborn. Sometimes a women just needs a friend to listen and cry with and a good hug. Your a good friend to look for advice on how to be there for her.
Best wishes
i know this is hard to hear but if she is having a miscarriage then she might not want to see you or her cousin. when i had my miscarriage it made me so mad to see other people with babies and know that i was not with child anymore. when i miscarried i saw the babies heart beat on a Monday and by Wednesday it wasn’t there. i was 8 1/2 weeks along. so if they think that she is more than a month then they should’ve seen a heartbeat. let her know that you will be there for her, let her know that you love her and care about her. DON’T tell her it wasn’t meant to be, it’s hard enough to lose a baby.
The best thing I can tell you is just be supportive. Let her decide if she wants to come over and see you because you have a newborn. You honestly can’t say or do anything other than just be her friend. I can tell you from experience (I lost a child back in October well 3 of my friends found out they were pregnant). Yes it does hurt but what hurts most is that people tend to ignore you because they don’t know what to say. I lost 2 friends over that because they ignored me. Just because I lost my baby doesn’t mean I couldn’t be happy for them I mean it wasn’t their fault so take that into consideration. Yesterday I went and seen the only one who didn’t ignore me and her newborn baby girl. I felt a little sad but she was beautiful and I was very happy for my friend. Losing a child is not the end of the world and things happen for a reason. Just tell her you are sorry and that you really don’t know what to say. Be honest with her and don’t ignore her. She needs support especially from friends. Give her a hug and tell her you love her and you will do whatever she needs you to do. If she says she just needs a litle room give it to her. I hope this helps.
Mom she needs to snap out. Your her best friend—research a doctor to help–maybe a few meds and things will be good…
well remember that they cant pick up the heart beat until she is at least 8 weeks along so if she isn’t that far then it may not be an issue and a close friend of mine had a miscarriage when i had just had my baby and there isn’t alot to do let them know you love them and tell them you are sorry and be there for them if they need a shoulder to cry on there isn’t much more to do she will come around it takes time believe me i have had one myself but if this is the case it will make it better if someone lets other people know cause people kept calling me and asking me how is the baby how far along are you now and i had a miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation so just be there for her she will need it!
A loss of a child is considered one of the deepest pains, regardless of a child’s age. The pain of what would have been is often the most difficult to embrace and work through. Family and friends often feel helpless when someone close to them experiences a miscarriage because no one has any control over it or can prevent it from happening. When a miscarriage occurs, society’s attitude is to not talk about it, in fear that it’s too upsetting. However, not talking about it only makes it harder to move on.
A miscarriage leaves a woman in a state of physical and emotional readiness for a baby that will never be. Grief is a natural process which has no exact time frame and is experienced in unique ways by different individuals. Supporting a grieving person does not mean you can take away the pain, but you may be able to help lighten the stress by being more aware and well informed.
here is a very good link: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsupportingothers.html
I pray for you and your friend. she is lucky to have someone like you. i had two miscarriages myself and know personally how hard this time could be.